Humble roots and rednecks

I was born a poor black child in Arkansas. Since being "rescued" last April, I have become considerably spoiled. I get a small but delightful share of certain table scraps, plenty of play time, a family that loves me even when I'm a pain in the ass. Mummy and Daddy are really concerned with exposing me to science and culture, and I've even developed a taste for coffee.

Daddy makes fun of Arkansas as a backward, redneck filled strip of land between a rock and a hard place, and threatens to send me back when I misbehave particularly badly. He's half-kidding about Arkansas, of course, but he says there's morons everywhere. As it turns out, there are backward rednecks in Colorado, to as this article describes:

Man hospitalized after putting fireworks in coffee grinder

Trailer park resident Sean Michael Ogden, 19, attempted to blend fireworks to make larger fireworks when the mixture exploded, causing serious burns. The victim once saw something on the Internet showing how smaller fireworks could be altered to make big fireworks, says a fire official, and he tried to replicate that. A fire inspector who lives about a quarter-mile away said the blast shook her house.

Citizen Frunobulax

As a canine living with 6 cats, I have some experience with their ways. They're fun to chase, and a couple of them even play with me. Boudica does this thing when she hooks her claws into the floppy loose skin of my flews (those are roughly analogous to the human upper lip, sometimes called the snout). She stretches the loose skin, and according to my daddy it's hilarious.

So, check out this cat in the picture. Some balls, eh? It that a fucking eagle?!

Who Is Citizen Frunobulax?

I, a lone wolf reporter bent on uncovering truth, humor and odd shit, am Citizen Frunobulax, and this is the first column so named. Pardon me as I chew on my ass for a moment...

As an observer of humans, I never fail to be astonished by their ideas and behavior. Here, Citizen Frunobulax relates some tales of silly shit that humans do.

Next!

Modern times have come to China — religious teachers must now fill out a government application before they can be reincarnated.

The decree, passed in 2007, requires that applications be submitted to four different government bodies. “The selection of reincarnates must preserve national unity and solidarity of all ethnic groups, and the selection process cannot be influenced by any group or individual from outside the country.”

“Work out your own salvation,” said the Buddha. “Do not depend on others.”

Devil’s Advocate

Calling Halloween “the devil’s holiday,” in 1986 Ralph P. Forbes of London, Ark., filed suit to prevent the public schools from letting kids wear costumes to school.

He filed the suit on behalf of himself, all Christian children, and Jesus Christ. The defendants included the Arkansas Department of Education, “high priests of secular humanism,” and Satan.

U.S. District Judge George Howard Jr. continued the case, whereupon attorney John Wesley Hall Jr. offered to represent Satan pro bono. He pointed out that the Dark One doesn’t transact business, own property, or commit torts in Arkansas, and asked the judge to drop him as a defendant.

The Chicago Tribune reported drily that “efforts to reach Satan for comment were unsuccessful.”

Hegelian Dielectric

Today daddy taught Frunobulax about philosophy and electronics. As it happens, there was a fellow named Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel (1770-1831), a German philosopher who did not talk to his horses. His thesis on capacitance, written in Swahili while under the influence of French wines, caused a splash in the scientific and theosophical worlds. Shortly after the third publication of his book ''Thesis, Antithesis, Synthesis: HowTo Store Electric Charges Using Vedic Principles of Electromagnetic Theory" in Hebrew, scores of blonde Asian hotties banded together with Madame Blatavsky to form the American Theosophical Capacitance Society (inebriation optional).

The Capititative Principle posits that if you feed raccoons while hanging upside down, a force Hegel called "frenzied catastrophic pressure" (rasenden katastrophale Druck) is built up between the food object and the raccoons mouth. Thus was born one of the pillars of modern Western philosophy; the Hegelian Dielectric.

Naxxy makes loops

Update: We have found Laxxie's primate...

Here you will find links to some sound loops done by Frunobulax, with some help from her primate.

1. Nattering
2. Reince Priebus: Now That's A Hilarious Name
   

Naughty girl, Frunobulax! No snausages for you!

Today I received a disturbing telephone call from a neighbor, telling me he caught Frunobulax out last night tagging a local business. To be more precise, she had noticed some existing graffiti, which read "Spread Anarchy". Taking out her own can of spraypaint (I have no idea where a dog can go and buy spraypaing), she drew a line through the text, and wrote below, "Don't tell me what to do!!".

Frunobulax' Back Story

Frunobulax the Wonder Dog entered the Zimdo for training on April 9, 2011. Previously a "rescue dog" from Arkansas, she adopted the path because her daddy made her do it. She exhibited a talent for sarcasm early on, and has been fast-tracked to level Zombie Woof since early May.